Crying with neck pain AGAIN (4pm today)

22 feb 2017


Yes, again. Why? No point writing, saying AGAIN? Apparently nobody gives a toss = I’m given LOADS of jobs to do and all the while my neck\s getting worse. It was OK-ish today until I did a LITTLE bit of arty, not much at all. NO sorting/filing today, just bit of arty and BAM = tried to carry on while crying but couldn’t = DESPAIR.


Ahh but ‘just go…’, ‘just do…’, ‘just write…’, ‘just talk…’ bleats everyone. JUST? = only? = NOT just, NOT right: cruelty. And you all KNOW it.


I repeat: was ALREADY injured PLENTY (more) than enough in so many ways, so many places. My neck pain is sometimes UNBEARABLE but no choice but to bear it  = not only NO help to but extra MORE injuries again and again. Then ON TOP = ‘just go, just do…’ go to hell.


Oh and where the NHS doc decided to put wrong stitches in left groin (varicose vein removed when my son 5 or 6 ish?) that has given me problems there ever since (and now going rather numb/thigh+) something not right MORE there & leg. Nobody gives a toss?


And so much more, have said/written most of it but not quite all = no privacy, no doc, can’t always remember, unsure…


Ha ha she went at mental health ‘it’s fine to go to bed to rest’ = oh yeah, my life so short and going SO fast and missing so MANY lovely sunny afternoons. Just fine.


My neck clicks are WORSE. I repeat: doing little bit of cleaning kneeling on floor during MEGA breakdown in November = telling my son what NHS people did to me DURING op but far FAR worse = what they did after = the LIES and NEGLECT. ‘For Tj’s dad’ = worth it?


Plus soon be THREE YEARS of living in a place where I’ve become SO MUCH MORE INJURED. And STILL docs+ decide ‘I’ll pretend I don’t know how to…’ Spex/eyes = repeatedly, dentist, GPs, radiologists, social workers, clerks, experts of all sorts… VERY solidaire, ‘heureuse et solidaire’ as they claim to be here = together and happy or something. ALL must be VERY happy I’ve got so much more injured or is it ‘oops, we messed up yet AGAIN… and AGAIN… and AGAIN…’? Doesn’t matter though coz not OUR bodies, only Jen’s, only my mum’s body says my son (and ALL, repeatedly) = ‘glad you’re on the radar’ when my door was smashed in and me snatched and traumatised. ‘Nothing compared to everything else that’s going on’ (ish) he said when he rang so soon after the cupboard was made to fall on my head.


Yes: LOADS of people have all tried their best I’m sure. To injure me more = just ‘unwanted effects’? Doesn’t wash. Therefore WANTED. Happy? Or very very sorry? Makes no difference to me and the EXTRA pain I’m in how YOU feel but it SO hurts that those who used to care for me have continued to be SO reckless with my body (and mind). NO consent. STOP. No point saying that = I’ve said it SO many times for SO long. Over-ruled by the majority? Injured more by those who have the power to do so?


My neck hurting too much, must stop. And makes no difference…