Anaesthetic awareness is torture (& expulsion du logement)

Conscient pendant l'anesthesie-1

Conscient pendant l’anesthesie-1

D’être conscient et paralysé pendant ‘anesthesie est la torture


Voyez mes photos/personne on 3D sur mes tableaux…

See my photos of model of person in 3D using my paintings as backgrounds…



Michael Wang:

Thanks Jenny. I know how much you have suffered as a result of an appalling episode of awareness. And I know how badly your case was managed by the doctors to whom you complained. But the difference between anaesthetic awareness and torture is that in the former (and I know you may doubt this) the pain, paralysis and psychological trauma are not INTENDED by those responsible.

My reply is refused (‘failed’, repeatedly) so I’ll email it to you Michael (and maybe put it on my blog – if I remember). Maybe too long and some random max length allowed or what/why? Are there any RULES?!
So here it is (best I can do tonight, no doubt as ALWAYS I’m scrambled and have forgotten the most important points I wanted to make = but I can’t SEE (memory problems/lists) what I’ve forgotten. Any questions DO ASK! But due to my disability and the TRAUMA of all this I may well have trouble answering). :-
Obviously the pain is known, not intended but an inescapable by-product of surgery. We (some of us, especially IF op is actually necessary/wins in risks : benefits ratio) consent to op knowing we will have pain afterwards but we are promised we will be cared for and this pain minimised, this is the basis of our consent. To refuse pain relief afterwards would be inhuman – to not prevent it during the op is also inhuman: if proper care is taken it is (I believe = statistics?) virtually impossible to cause awake paralysis/awareness = maybe pain. How many famous people who get the top surgeons/anaesthetists ever experience awareness? Probability says some must (there are so MANY celebrities, politicians, royalty etc.) how come we never hear?


The RCOA states in its – quite rubbish, LOADS of omissions/whitewashing/’forgot to put’ here:

– risk pamphlet on anaesthetic awareness that ‘only about a third’ experience pain. Only?! So why don’t the other 2/3 feel pain? Apparently we’re given morphine and fentanyl to deaden the pain even while were unconscious, including for the pain of intubation. So not enough of these drugs for some? Affect breathing too much so too risky for some? Must be VERY wary with morphine virgins (as I was – PLUS overloaded with fluids PLUS bloods24hrs out of date and WAY over-starved with NO glucose even given for 24hrs fasting) otherwise too easy to overdose us.


Does it make any difference to what we experience if we know it was ‘only an accident’? Nope. Would it have felt even worse if I had known they intended to inflict these MASSIVE traumas on me? In my own case I cannot think I could have been any more traumatised, I could not have had my utter terror increased in any way by knowing or believing anything such as ‘intent’. But maybe I’m wrong?


The PURPOSE (benefit) of my op was wrong = there was no benefit for me at all: there WAS no purpose so it was ALL risk = and none of the things I experienced (risks) were mentioned nor were adhesions which I read are common (% ?) after abdominal surgery. I tried to argue, just pre-op I said ‘this op doesn’t need doing’ = I KNEW there were no benefits = I had had food poisoning and was not unwell = other than their reckless use of fluids (and chart faked) and refusing me food when I asked/needed to eat.


So why didn’t I feel pain? I don’t think the op had started (maybe I’m wrong?). My throat felt VERY uncomfortable with this thing in it that was preventing me from breathing but I have a high threshold for pain, others don’t.


When I was awake but paralysed and suffocating would I have felt worse if I knew they planned it, they wanted me to suffer? No, that would only take effect BEFORE: the dread, I had the TOTAL fear DURING. When I realised I couldn’t move would have felt worse if I knew they planned to paralyse me? No: if they had explained they would be doing that to me I would have felt much better. Even better if they had warned you might wake up while you’re paralysed = but you won’t be paralysed for ever, we reverse it. If they had shared their secret plans with me (their intentions) it would have helped me LOADS. I wouldn’t have had to ask Michael why I couldn’t move (‘was I tied down?’) = SO LONG after my op (when? AGES not knowing, a huge relief to know).


Apparently these paralysing drugs have many serious unwanted effects but although docs are SUPPOSED to warn us about things (to allow us to make a decision, a choice) = unwanted (‘side’) effects, they decided not to tell me even that I would be paralysed by them/their drugs let alone the bad other things these drugs can and do do. How can they justify that and still claim we consented? Of course we didn’t/don’t.


So pain and paralysis = both planned – but kept from me, their secret (paternalism? teaching? habit?). Possibility of awareness = known but kept secret/mostly denied by most anaesthetists: other anaesthetists MAY, very very rarely, cause it ‘but mostly due to patient factors/system problems’ = no responsibility taken by anaesthetists themselves and their practice/skill.


If I had had all this explained in advance it would have helped me understand – a bit. Most of all it would (most likely) have allowed me more chance to argue that my op didn’t even need doing. We can’t ask questions about things we know nothing about (their secrets) so to tell US to ask questions before being given info is utterly ridiculous = they must KNOW that! But even with info the balance of power is never equal: I was exhausted, starving hungry and in bed, she/he were dressed (in their powerful uniform) and standing. Equal? No. You have to be VERY brave to even ask any question = me in ward round (then lied to).


When I finally gave up my fight to breathe and became calm would I have felt any worse knowing they WANTED me to die, to have suffered like this? No, not possible, I was in the most EXTREME place of desperation/desolation. ‘Not for very long/only a few minutes’? Way WAY too long, it doesn’t take long to suffocate nor to become unconscious through lack of oxygen.


When he (?) took the tube out and I ‘died’ I thought they had given up on me, that they had used a tube to try to resuscitate me (only time I had ever heard of its use = in VERY seriously ill people, on TV) and had tried really hard to save me but couldn’t (and his false statement about me giving wrong reason for why I couldn’t breathe, was about to die). I believed at this time they removed the tube on purpose because I couldn’t be saved. Make any difference what I believed (‘knew’/their purpose)? No, only before, when I was gasping, few v brief time massive anger (meanwhile GASPING to breathe, running out of air) at his lie/wrong reason I was dying. Then the calm and my ‘death’. So I believed he/they knew I couldn’t breathe and with all their expertise (?!) could do nothing. I believed they were more competent and more kind than they were = did this help? No. They knew I couldn’t breathe (at some point) but afterwards even denied this was true. THAT was/is torture, as was in op theatre. As was meeting. As was trying to contact hospital = REPEATEDLY. As was being told nothing of what happened in my records = THAT is torture and done ON PURPOSE and yes: VERY guilty minds.


Awareness can and is prevented for the rich, powerful and celebrities (I think?), so the fact that these same preventions are not put in place for the rest of us (the 99%) is unfair. And when we experience the results of these discriminations our suffering (which is already severe enough for torture definition, where IS the line exactly, who made it, when, where, based on what info? And it SURE didn’t ever include secret things (which ‘don’t happen’ including awareness) because judges et al don’t know about them and even if more recently they do well ‘the effects are not very severe’.


Plenty of guilty minds for the psychological traumaS (plural), repeated. From waking in recovery (lie/denial) through to that night (‘not in records’ = therefore ‘didn’t happen’), and next morning the surgeon = lied (or was he not there? I asked later) & Big Boss (in his suit followed by gaggle of underlings) = more trauma = ignored, question not answered = this man KNEW what he was doing and KNEW how it would hurt me to not reply, he knew this because in his letter (6 weeks later) to my GP he claimed he HAD responded.


ALL docs are taught to respond to questions, basic stuff/how they CAN doctor/treat us. He KNEW and all others there KNEW he had done wrong and NONE of them dared speak up or question his (their teacher’s/the CONSULTANT’S) behaviour. In the meeting I was told it’d be taken up ‘anonymously’ HIGH UP = his failure, anonymously means nobody knows THIS MAN was guilty of a very serious wrong, breaking the rules, why did nobody want to know who this person was whose behaviour (and inaction, guilty mind) hurt me so much psychologically = and STILL does 11 years later? Ahh, ‘no blood so doesn’t matter’? ‘Invisible injury’ so unimportant/lesser injury? No: in my experience these psychological injuries hurt FAR more than my physical ones, these are hard enough to live with daily but how I FEEL that day (psychologically) deeply affects how well I can deal with my physical pain and when I feel neglected/abandonned (and can’t block it out) I can’t block the pain out so well = more conscious of my physical pain because less able to fight it psychologically.


Sorry,keep forgetting the question, drag myself back, but everything relates to everything else, no hard lines between ay of it. And causes/effects very far-reaching.


The fact is my awake paralysis was unbearable (but no choice but to try bear it) and after 11 years it is still very much there = a BIG eye-opener for me, I thought I had dealt with it/it had gone, but when I did my art ‘therapy’ about it I went into a very bad weird place, no words for it, just look at my art (photos of 3D model I made then used my paintings as backgrounds) and you’ll see just the very tip of the iceberg of how much I suffered. I did my best to express it: the loneliness, that I couldn’t move (to try save myself), separate from the world (I knew, physical world), out on a limb, cut off, spinning out into oblivion.


The only people who may doubt that awareness with paralysis istorture are those people who have never experienced it. How can we teach them when no words will suffice? I tried with my art but it fails miserable = I KNOW because I KNOW how ‘light’ my pix are compared to what I FELT.


How can we PROVE how bad it feels then if we haven’t the words and they don’t believe us? We’reSICK of our experiences being belittled, SICK of being told that it’s OUR fault for being ‘too sensitive’ (or whatever nonsense they come up with). We’re SICK of being told it is up to US (the injured ones) to have to relive our terrifying traumas FOR THEM = the reliving traumatises us even MORE = they KNOW that so they are CHOOSING to traumatise us more = intent = TORTURE? They did this to me in the meeting and I did it because I believed (‘knew’) it would HELP them to HELP me but I was wrong: I relived it, crying and shaking, for THEM, and got nothing in return except MORE lies and denial. Yup that was ad still IS torture: I still SEE the room, the people, replay what I said, they said – and didn’t say, their LIES = to my face. Torture? You bet but I can’t PROVE it.


What they did to me replays most days, sometimes lots of the day, rare days no replays at all. You might think I’m lying, exaggerating, ‘looking for attention’, greedy? Do NOT judge me before you hear the facts, you CANNOT judge things of which you have NO experience of UNLESS you take my word, believe me and use THAt as evidence. Ask others who have been awake and paralysed. Ask others who could not breathe what it feels like if you don’t believe me. But PLEASE: DO NOT EVER ASK ME TO RELIVE IT FOR YOU EVER AGAIN. NO MORE QUESTIONS FOR ME = way past time I got ANSWERS. Remedy?Not possible, none exists but info, truth and HELP. Too late though for me, but PREVENTION (deterrent? somebody held up as example = deterrent?) = protection for others? PLEASE.

Conscient pendant l'anesthesie-3

Conscient pendant l’anesthesie-3


Derr: KNEW it: I forgot one of my most important points (my disability):

How do you KNOW the doctors/anaesthetists didn’t want me to suffer? You are making a HUGE assumption for which you have NO evidence! Actually there is more evidence to dispute your assumption than to support it:

The doctor’s (surgeon’s?) behaviour pre-op: he jabbed me really hard in my abdomen and hurt me. Was this an accident? Did his arm/hand slip? Did he mean to press gently but oops JABBED me hard by mistake? I don’t think so. Unless he was drunk or drugged on some narcotic or something?

Did the doctor (surgeon?) really believe he was examining me correctly to exclude other diagnoses (including my knowledge)? No, he can’t have believed that unless he was incompetent. The NHS would not allow an incompetent person to work for them so he (and others?) must have deceived them therefore he (and others?) must have known = WANTED me to be mistreated and most likely injured?

The ODP’s behaviour pre-op: he KNEW what he was doing was wrong but he did it anyway. He decided NOT to allow me choice & autonomy and he KNEW that was wrong, he KNEW that was wrong because the rules were created to protect me so he KNEW by breaking them he was hurting me.

The SHO’s behaviour pre-op was also terrible. She asked me questions (to help them protect me) but she changed my answers because she was badly trained/stupid. She did not tell me what she/they would do to me nor allow me to get info which would allow me to ask questions. She KNEW she was doing wrong, she KNEW there was a chance this op could injure me and that I MIGHT wake up paralsed in the op theatre but she chose not to tell me. She KNEW her inexperience meant I was more likely to be injured (and maybe killed) but she decoided not to tell me that. Perhaps she made a decision (as bad/worse as her deciding she knew better than me the answers to her questions about MY past history/body) that the knowledge that SHE/they had ‘might’ hurt me more than not knowing = she was wrong if that is what she thought – if she thought at all, her incompetence with the BP machine was obvious.

The Registrar’s (Wadwanni/Wadwhani/Wadwani ? varies in my med records) behaviour pre-op was the most APPALLING I have ever experienced, ever, anywhere in a ‘care’ situation. He was rude, aggressive, NASTY, an arrogant bully. He KNEW his refusal to believe my answers to his questions were not logical nor human. He KNEW his aggressive attitude to me would hurt me, but he didn’t care and the timid SHO said nothing. Contrary to the NHS’s letter: the ODP was not there, ever, while I was awake.

Going on the Registrar’s behaviour pre-op one might say he WANTED to, ENJOYED hurting me. The evidence that this man MIGHT have wanted me to suffer (perhaps for arguing rationally with him pre-op?) is great.

This man was also nasty, aggressive, arrogant, refused to answer the consultant’s questions AFTER, in the meeting. He KNEW I needed to know things, he KNEw and HEARD how injured I was (but he’d lied to others, they had conspired to cover up the truth) but he didn’t care, THAT is evidence he wanted to hurt me more. He KNEW my throat was injured but he (she, they all) decided NOT to treat me/it and they KNEW it would become infected (from eating = no choice for me) and would hurt lots and become eroded/ulcerated and they KNEW it was possible I might die from untreated infection/closed-up airway.

Therefore this man (and others including consultant surgeon in ward round & after) has shown again and again that he WANTED to hurt me, he has shown that through his actions and words and his inactions. He has shown it by not writing the truth in my medical records = he KNEW that would hurt me in so very many ways. But he didn’t care.

Based on the evidence (in fact – not statements written much later with legal help) on the balance of probabilities I would say that the registrar was a man of such bad character that he probably DID want me to suffer during my awake paralysis. What evidence have we to the contrary? His words? They count for nothing, proved.

The question about suctioning that he (and she) refused to answer is KEY: he KNEW he should have (if he did not) and if he did then he KNEW they had badly injured my throat and unless treated I might die.

Why is it up to me (the injured, ill, disabled party) to have to prove he (the powerful doctor with legal help) DID want me to suffer during my awake paralysis (with suffocation)? Why does it not turn onto them: THEY must prove they did everything possible to prevent my suffering: before, during and after. They cannot: the greatest weight of evidence is against them.

And IF the RCOA/AAGBI and anaesthetists in general (and the GMC and judges) believe that the KNOWLEDGE they keep secret from us ‘may’ hurt us more than the reality (when it DOES happen = to so MANY) then they are completely deluded, they are sick and perhaps should be sent to psych ward until they accept reality, or at the very least medicated with antipsychotics until their delusions cease.

And sacked, struck off, not allowed anywhere near patients who are: the sick, the vulnerable and the disabled.

To do nothing is not an option: these people 9tribes/groups) and their beliefs are FAR too dangerous and harm so many of us. Their deluded beliefs have been and still are irrationally protected and apparently trump ours, the clients’/users’ EXPERIENCES, WE are the experts in the effects of anaesthetic awareness and have been for decades but our voices have been silenced.


Conscient pendant l'anesthesie-4

Conscient pendant l’anesthesie-4

Conscient pendant l'anesthesie-2

Conscient pendant l’anesthesie-2